Recipe for a Strong Marriage

Probably, you have been in love.  But stop for a moment and think.  What is Love?

Dictionaries define love as "strong affection".  Is "strong affection" enough to run off and get married?  Another definition describes love as a "warm and tender linking;  deep feeling of fondness or friendship;  great affection or devotion".  In my experience, feeling loved means that this person who loves me knows all about me and is committed to never telling others and committed to never using the knowledge to hurt me.

Feeling loved means I am given room -- room enough to grow.  Being loved is not a feeling of suffocation.

We learn to love:

• First we are loved

• Then we feel loved

• Then we feel loveable

• Then we become loving and give love

Marriages are usually based on either Immature Love or Mature Love.

Immature love is a burden.  "Maybe things will get better" becomes a recurring wish.  Recurrently, promises are made and seldom kept.  Partners are not sure of their status and want continuous reassurance:  "Do you really love me?"  Usually, one if not both of the partners are unhappy most of the time.  Often, partners experience denigration, belittling, criticism.  Immature love may result in violence -- emotional and sometimes, sexual and physical.

Mature love energizes, restores vitality, and evokes humor.  Partners feel their ideas are appreciated.  Both likes and dislikes are easily and freely discussed -- with self-respect and respectfully.  Each partner feels experienced as a person -- not as a possession nor as a sex object.

Ten ingredients constitute strong and successful marriages:

1. Love, sensitivity, and respect for each other
   The solid foundation upon which an enduring relationship is based
2. A sense of humor and playfulness
3. Honest communication without violating private thoughts and experiences
4. Doing meaningful things together
5. Sharing time with people who are really enjoyed, both together and singly
6. Not compromising --
     o   Who you are or want to be
     o   What you want to have:
               Career
               Children
               Faithfulness to each other 
7. Tolerance for weak spots -- like being tired, clumsy, irritable at times -- and for opposite points of view
8. Acceptance of each other's likes, dislikes, levels of energy, and fantasies
9. Sexual pleasure and delight
10. Sharing household tasks

For further related articles see Answers for Families and Patients:

• Complete Love  [In Preparation]
• Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation  (Open New Window)
• How to Stop Intimacy  (Open New Window)
• How to Tell You're Really in Love  (Open New Window)
• Normality   (Open New Window)
• Shutting Up People  (Open New Window)

See also:

• Your Child (1998 Harper Collins)
• Your Adolescent (1999 Harper Collins)

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